KP UK
Original Shtick written by Allen “The Kraz” Krasna – 2015
Theme Music
Shabbos – 5th of Sivan – Kosher Police UK Headquarters – Menchville! (light applause)
Phone Rings, office noises heard in background)
Friday – Kosher Police hotline Friday speaking (audience applause)
(Restaurant backdrop, low eating noises)
Chauncey – Thank God it’s Friday! (hearty laughter)
This here is Chauncey at the Ess and Fress Brisket, Kishke and Cheesecake. There are two guys here dressed like Chasidim making their Shavuot order.
Friday – No law against that sir.
Chauncy – Not that! One of them ordered two whole fried chickens!
Friday – (gasp) Joliet Yank
Chauncy – And the other, six pieces of white toast all with chicken shmaltz!
Friday – Elliwood! That is serious! I’ll be right over! (sounds of people walking fast and then door opens)
Friday – Ok, we’re here!
Chauncey – Wow that was fast

Shabbos – Well it was an emergency, plus our office is next door.
(short laughter)

Chauncey – Well there they are

Shabbos – Hey gentlemen, how are you?

Joliet Yank – Hey who are you?

Friday – We’ll ask the questions! (short applause)

Shabbos – Is it true that you guys ordered two fried chickens and six pieces of white toast with chicken shmaltz?

Joliet Yank – Yeah so what, no law against that.

Friday – Actually, we have a problem.

Joliet Yank – What?

Shabbos – Well it’s Shavuot coming up.
Joliet Yank – we know

Friday – And on Shavuot we eat…milchig!

Joliet Yank – not even fried chicken (laughter)
Friday – No

Joliet Yank – not even white toast with just a smidge of chicken shmaltz? (laughter)

Friday – Well halachically it is permitted, but the minhag is milchig

Joliet Yank – Everything?

Shabbos – Yes! Every little thing we eat is milchig!

End of Shtick – Seque into song…